What’s stopping you? Common limitations executives choose or reject… and the difference that choice makes

“Don’t limit your challenges, challenge your limits.” – Jerry Dunn

When I work with individual executives on their leadership brand, they are at a point in their lives when they want to try something new, go for something bigger, or be recognised for something more.

As soon as we put a big goal out there – we say the words out loud, we tell someone, or we write it down – we are immediately met with scary thoughts.

Who am I to do this?

What would I add to the competition/noise?

Am I ready?

Am I good enough?

In my work, I get to observe fascinating phenomena of the human psyche! Listening to people’s stories leads me to ask questions like ‘Why is this behaviour presenting?’ / ‘Why are they using those words?’ / ‘What do they really mean?’ / ‘What’s underneath this?’

At some point, we’ve all told ourselves a story about what limits us… we are all human, and no matter how successful or accomplished we become, we still have fears and uncertainties tucked away somewhere, that can stop us from achieving personal and professional growth. They usually come up as soon as we step outside of our comfort zone!

Do any of these (very human) thoughts resonate with you? 

• I haven’t focused on building my profile because I don’t like to self-promote.
• I don’t like to talk about myself; I prefer to focus on my team.
• I haven’t got further in my career because I’ve been focused on lifting others up in their careers.
• I have too many ideas, so it’s hard to get things off the ground.
• I’m juggling too many responsibilities and don’t have time to work on myself.
• Even though someone has offered me this opportunity, I don’t feel ready to take it on.
• Even though this is what I want, I’m not sure I have what it takes.
• Even though others say I’m great at what I do, I’m not sure I can really stand out.
• Even though I know I’m great at what I do, I’m overlooked at promotion time.

The funny thing is that, while I’ve heard these sentiments a thousand times (from very accomplished, brilliant professionals), each time a client admits one to me, they think they are the only person to have this thought.

Over the years I’ve heard a range of reasons why people don’t go for what they want, or at least, why they stall on taking action. I’ve also come up with a few of my own reasons to stall on things, at times. But what I’ve learned is that usually, there is a ‘real reason’ underneath.

People are not really lazy, unfocused, disorganised, lacking in resources or lacking in time… they are not really ‘not good enough’. People don’t prioritise a goal or an action that matters to them because they are scared, worried or unsure of themselves in some way. If we’re honest, we’ve all been there, and we probably will be again at some point.

“If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.” – Fred DeVito

Reflecting on this, I’ve decided to add a few extra questions to an exploratory exercise I give clients when they start work on their personal brand. These new questions will help my brave clients to honestly look at what is blocking their progress, in order to move through these blocks and achieve what they really want to!

Here are two of the questions I have added, from a set of 8:

• What stories do you tell yourself about who you are and what you can or can’t do, be or have?
• Is there an environment you want to be part of but where you feel like you don’t belong?

“You can have excuses or you can have success; you can’t have both.” – Jen Sincero

While there can be real issues in our personal circumstances that keep us from doing things, there are countless examples of people overcoming the most challenging roadblocks. At the end of the day, there is usually an answer to the question: ‘So what are you going to do about it?’

The danger of an excuse is that it can really become a limitation that you carry around with you throughout your life. But as I’ve seen with so many clients, honestly facing the limitations you have named for yourself, no matter how uncomfortable, is the only way to change the story… and this is often where the Leadership Brand journey begins.

Increasingly, I’m seeing the rise of Diversity & Inclusion programs to support professionals from different backgrounds or with different needs to flourish in their chosen career. This is an important stepping stone to achieving a business landscape that is inclusive and makes the most of the whole range of talent that is available. Until we achieve this, there remain challenges and experiences at work that are particular to certain groups or individuals, that need to be considered when designing an inclusive and supportive space to grow.

Some of the challenges I’ve heard people mention when they feel they don’t fit in with the ‘norm’, include – in their words:

• “I’ve had to jump through more hoops to get to where I am.”
• “I had to prove, right from the start, that I’d stick around.”
• “I didn’t think I could ask for what I needed in order to make it work.”
• “I can easily advocate for others, but not for myself.”
• “I can’t do business development and sales conversations the expected way.”
• “I am constantly talked over.”
• “I feel like I’m not in the club.”

There has been much said about bias in the business world, along with the dangers of stereotyping and early conditioning in society. In workshops with teams and groups of professional people, when the issue of ‘who has power and who has not’ in business settings comes up in discussion, my approach is to separate experiences into ‘internal’ and ‘external’ landscapes.

While the external environments we face are filled with factors we individually can’t control, like workplace structures, hierarchies and cultural norms… there are some things on the outside we can personally influence – like how people see us.

More importantly, our internal environment – how we think about ourselves and how we choose to see situations and other people – is filled with opportunities for self-empowerment. When we take time to understand our strengths and the value this contributes to others, for example, we come from a place of heightened confidence, clarity and personal power.

So how do we create structures to explore how to increase our sense of personal power and grow our influence as professionals? To me, it’s about focusing on what we CAN do.

Empowering our diverse teams to grow their professional influence

While being transparent and being allowed to talk about the real issues facing staff are important in an organisational culture, it’s also important not to stay here, but to move on to constructive conversations and experiences that empower all staff to grow.

When asked to work directly with diverse teams, my approach to supporting staff to feel empowered follows these 3 P’s:

The topics we cover in each of these key components include:

Personal Power

What does it mean to be ‘powerful’? How do we develop a sense of personal leadership in our own lives? How can an understanding of cognitive bias and influence research help us to be more empowered to achieve our professional goals? What practical tools are there for building influence and credibility with others?

Personal Brand

What’s important to know about first impressions, in person and online? How can we assess where our personal brand is currently at? What kinds of roadblocks do people experience in building their personal brands, and how can these be overcome? How do you develop clear personal brand positioning now, and how can you develop and grow your personal brand throughout your career?

Professional Confidence

How does our mindset and self-talk affect our performance in professional contexts? What daily habits can we build to strengthen our professional and personal confidence, and what tools do we need in our toolkit to tackle ‘scary’ scenarios and be ready for anything at work (such as pitching, presenting, networking, sales, leading, negotiating, difficult conversations)?

Building your program

If you are building out a program to empower your increasingly diverse teams – that’s great – and you need to create a safe space for this to unfold. The best place to start, whether or not you have experts working with you, is to engage your people in what they need to see in order to feel safe and enthusiastic about participating in your program.  Being seen and heard should be at the start, middle and end of all your People & Culture programs!

Not long ago I was challenged by a social situation I was surprised to find myself in: I had invited some friends to dinner and although I had been very much looking forward to a relaxed evening, a quiet glass of wine and a laugh with friends… the evening didn’t go as planned and ended up not being much fun for me.

I was surprised because I consider myself a confident person with strong boundaries and expectations, and I was troubled by the possibility that some people potentially didn’t see me this way, judging by some behaviour on the night. It caused me to reflect deeply on what it was about my communication style that wasn’t translating this.

It caused me to reflect deeply on what it was about my communication style that wasn’t translating this… 

We can find ourselves in this kind of pickle in work contexts all the time. While assertiveness and self-assuredness in our careers tend to grow with age and experience, in my work with leaders and senior people I often find that there are areas where a felt inner confidence just doesn’t come across. Whether it’s asking for what we want, asserting our values and priorities, advocating for ourselves or changing the way a conversation is going… very talented, very capable and very confident people slip up all the time. Why? I’m no psychologist, but I think it’s partly because as human beings we want to get along, we want to connect, we want to make others happy. I also think it’s partly because we are rushed, busy, and don’t take enough time to step back and see the bigger picture of what it is we need to communicate.

How aligned are your actions and words with what you will and won’t stand for? What happens when you fail to communicate this?

In my own example above, I had to come to the troubling conclusion that although I have worked hard to empower myself in my business and working life, cultivating strong values, boundaries and communication styles… I had failed to do the same in some aspects of my personal friendships and social behaviours. I was more tolerant than I should have been; I failed to put my foot down early or take previous opportunities to provide feedback on what was and wasn’t ok with me.

“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce.” – Tony Gaskins

When it comes to your personal brand, words are important, and so are actions. If you are building a brand you are building a voice, an approach, a point of view. You are asking people to trust in your confidence to achieve something. That means you have to clearly know what you are all about and you need to consistently communicate that – including what you will and won’t tolerate, what you will and won’t do, what you will and won’t prioritise. That’s why boundaries can make or break your personal brand.

If you are building a brand, you are building a voice…

I have learned that when I take time to reflect on my values and boundaries, I am in a much better position to communicate them, and to stick to them when tested. I had not previously taken time to set my personal expectations on social behaviours of others in my home, so I failed to make these clear in my actions and reactions – until I’d had enough! In work, however, I have spent much time reflecting and learning from my experiences to purposely build a framework in which I operate, and this helps clients and colleagues to understand what it is like to work with me – and choose to be part of that if they wish to.

Here is a test on how well you know your boundaries – can you easily answer these questions?

How do you:

• Protect your time?
• Signal what your work is worth?
• Ensure your needs are met?
• Set the tone and outcome of a conversation?
• Control what you let in?
• Manage your energy?

And these:

• What are you saying ‘yes’ to that should be a ‘no’, ‘not now’ or ‘not this way’?
• What haven’t you let go of, that you should have by now?

In my book The Powerful Personal Brand I talk about a turning point early in my first business when I felt completely overstretched by client demands and exhausted by a round-the-clock work routine I didn’t plan on. At breaking point, I had grabbed a notepad and pen and scribbled out my ‘Angry List’ – what I promised myself that I would and wouldn’t do from now on. It was a huge lightbulb moment for me that set the tone from that day forward, on how I teach people how to treat me in business. Whether you are a business owner or working in a team, this can be an empowering exercise… I encourage you to try it for yourself!

Some of the questions I was asked in a recent webinar for the Association of Financial Advisers’ Inspire series focused on building your influence in conversations, relationship dynamics and using your personal brand.

Here are the specific questions and the tips I shared.

#1: What do I do if I’m stuck in a coffee conversation where I feel the other person has taken over and is doing all the talking? How can I get my agenda across too?

• Rather than push for what you want to say, take advantage of your companion’s chatty nature by asking great questions that redirect the conversation to where you want to go. What would be useful for you to find out? What questions would lead to an opportunity for you to solve a problem for them?

More on asking great questions

#2: How can I turn around my manager’s view of me, if I already feel I’m not seen or heard?

• Spend time getting clear on your values and boundaries – when you have clarity, you can be clear with others.
• Then work on introducing those values and boundaries – but rather than being defensive, be calm and balanced in your communication. Try going gently at first if this represents a sudden change for the other person.
• Embody who you want your manager to see you as – do you need to work on your non-verbal and verbal communication to sound more confident? Do you need to build your personal brand to highlight your strengths and show where you can lead?
• Think ‘WIIFM” – what do they need in the exchange? And more broadly – How can reaching your goals help them reach theirs?

More on how to stop being underestimated early in your career

#3: Is personal branding really authentic? I don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not, or to sound too self-promotional.

• Real personal branding is highlighting what is already there, and maybe stretching a little into who you are becoming. Be truthful but be confident in communicating your strengths and achievements. If you want people to see you that way, you have to see yourself that way.
• Try writing your bio in 3^rd person to get over the feeling of being self-promotional.

Most Frequently Asked Questions on Personal Branding

My personal experience navigating power dynamics in business

Around the time I turned 30, I left a teaching career to start a commercial photography business. In those early days, I did a lot of free work to get my name out there, and this included event photography at business events – a key strategy to meet more of my target market. Typically, I would ask for the opportunity to promote my services in exchange for the photographs, which would include a combination of a display of brochures or business cards, an opportunity to network with guests, and an introduction on the night by the MC.

I worked really hard in those early days to raise my profile, including taking my professional image very seriously. I was not one of those photographers that turned up in khaki pants covered in pockets; I wanted to be seen as a professional at professional events. I had carefully crafted a bio that positioned me as working in the corporate and small business space, had worked with a professional designer to produce a glossy website to show my work, and had spent countless hours taking and editing photos for little or no pay, to build my portfolio.

Despite the attention to professional details and sheer hard work, there were roadblocks that I could not control. One night when I was taking photos for the promotion exchange described above, something happened that left me so disillusioned that I can still feel my frustration as I recall the experience a decade later. Yet, it was such a small thing that no-one else would have noticed…